Diggin’ up the past.

October 29, 2010

There is every potential to learn something new–and potentially something you didn’t want to know–about me in this post.  So read with caution.

I have this big, gaping hole in my heart in regards to my past.

When I was 17-years-old, something horrible happened to me.  A girl in my graduating class (if you could say that–she dropped out a few days after the incident) accused me of threatening her life.  Frankly, I can’t imagine myself ever even threatening bodily harm to someone much less threatening their very existence.  It was the worst day I think I’d ever had at that point in my life.

After the truth surfaced (I’d mentioned to a group of my peers that I simply didn’t like the girl because of her relationship with one of my family members), she dropped out of school and the vice principal of my high school–whom a day earlier had wanted to cart me off to jail without even calling my parents (dramatic, much?!)–owed me a serious apology.

I took full advantage of that apology.

I was allowed to take a college class in another town that I’d chosen which meant that I’d have to leave school every Friday afternoon and travel for one hour to get to the class.  The class itself doesn’t matter.  It’s who was in that class.

On the first day of this class I took notice of a guy who sat in the very back of the classroom.  He was cocky, physically present but absent in mind, drove a silver Dodge Stratus, had a Superman tattoo, and eyes I wish I wasn’t too shy to stare into.

I think he made it to less than half of those classes–but I went every single Friday in hopes that he’d be there.   Also, I was in high school and knew nothing of this skipping class business at that point.

I never spoke to him during that class.  But I thought of him often.

Fast-forward 2 years.

I was a sophomore/junior in college (I was way ahead when I went to college, so I never quite fit the criteria of any one grade level).

The class was Marketing 300.

I was in a sorority and on the first day of class I proudly wore my letters and sat in the front row.  I remember at least two other members of the Greek community being in that class with me.  One in particular that has always been one of the better guy friends in my life.

The class was lecture style and stationed in one of the largest rooms in the building that housed my specific degree designation.  I think there were easily 100 people in that class.

By the second day, there was a guy who had situated himself one chair away from me.  As our “assigned” (read: preferred) chairs were established, I learned more and more about the guy that was one chair away from me.

He couldn’t keep his eyes open at 8 am in the morning, he had a Superman tattoo on his upper left arm, he reminded me of a guy I’d dated in high school, and he was downright awesome to look at.  He had my attention from the moment he sat next to me.

The highlight of that class was the one time that our professor encouraged me to wake him up before we began an exam.  I’m pretty sure I was 12 shades of red after nudging his arm.

Somehow, we started talking.  Maybe it was a class project?  I’m not sure.  Either way, we ended up with each others phone numbers.  He came to my sorority’s philanthropy event.  We started hanging out.

By that time I knew his name, where he lived, what car he drove, who he wanted to be when he grew up, that we shared the same birthday, and I knew that I was head over heels in love with him.

At 19-years-old I’d met this guy that was 100% everything I’d ever imagined.

As fate would have it, this guy just so happened to be the same guy that sat in that Friday afternoon class that I’d so embarrassingly fawned over a couple of years earlier.  He’d recognized me immediately–it took me over a year to make the connection.

Our relationship went on and on for about 2 years before things just got so complicated that neither of us could be nice to one another.

See, what he never told me was that the entire time we were “together” (we never had a title, but I was exclusively with him), he had another girl in his life.  He lied.  Over and over.

But, I still loved him tremendously, so it never seemed to matter that much.  I know, I know.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I moved on from him.  He moved on from me (and the other girl, turns out).  We were friends for a long while.  We have so many things in common that it’s hard for us to not be friends.

Fate has been cruel to the both of us.  Our relationship has never really had the opportunity to become what it could have been.  We always loved one another, but there has always been something (or someone) keeping us from being together exclusively.

There have been a lot of days that I have wondered what life would have been like if we’d have had the opportunity to have a real relationship.  I’m pretty sure that we’d either have a fairy tale ending or we’d go down in flames–there’d be no in between result.

Today, this man, who is 365 days older than me, is my biggest regret.  I regret the things we did to each other, said to each other, the times we lied to one another, and the fact that we just never could get over ourselves enough to let it be.

I miss his friendship, but having him in my life isn’t worth the risk of losing everything I’ve worked so hard to gain.  It’s not worth the pain it would cause.  I wish him nothing but the best that life has to offer and I know that he’ll make me proud.  Maybe in another lifetime things will be different.

For now, I hope he knows just how much he changed my life–for the better.  I learned more during our lengthy relationship (it’s been 7 years now) about myself, about relationships, and about people than I ever could have from anyone else or in any other situation.

And there you have it–my bittersweet broken heart story.

The biggest lesson I learned from this life experience is to always say what I want, when I want it.  I never told him that I loved him until it was too late.  I never asked him what our relationship status was because I was afraid he would reject me.   I wasn’t willing to lose him over something as silly as a title.

When I met Mr. Windows, I knew instantly that he would matter to me.  I was immediately attracted to him physically and emotionally.  He was confident and so smart.  I decided very early on that I would make sure our relationship made sense to me–that I wouldn’t get caught up in the rapture of it all and instead make sure that we both clearly understood what we expected from the other.  Luckily for me, Mr. Windows is a really straight forward kind of guy and it was never hard for me to express myself to him.  So, because of my past brokenhearted relationship stumbles, I can honestly say that the pain served a greater purpose.  It made me who I am today.

P.S. don’t let this outpouring let you get carried away..Mr. Windows and I are just fine.  He’s a whole other fairy tale….this one with a happy ending. 🙂

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