July 29, 2010

I’m never positive where my life is heading (especially when I seem to enjoy being a hermit!), and as my higher education career comes careening to a halt the topic has been even more present in my highly active mind.

I’m a fearful person.  I tend to be risk averse (go figure, I have an entrepreneurship degree–contradictory much?!), and I don’t like to fail.  I also cannot handle disappointment.  Seriously, I’d rather cause myself bodily harm than feel disappointment.  And, get this, I’m painfully shy.  Painfully shy. 

When I was little my dad said this about a man who I didn’t know: “He’s such a smart guy.  And not fake smart.  You could talk to him about anything and he’d know where to take the conversation and he just knows.”

I always wanted to be that smart person.  I always wanted my dad to think that about me.  In my quest to be the “smart” person I think I’ve offended, left-out, alienated, and intimidated some really awesome people. 

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be everything, trying to do everything.  As one of my favorite songs puts it, “trying to be everything can make you lose your mind.”*  Oh how true that is!

Lately I’ve been learning that being everything and doing everything really sucks.  I feel like I’m not particularly good at any one thing (although mediocre at several) and finding a path for my life is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined it would take. 

I work everyday for a great company in a lackluster job that I feel pretty ‘meh’ about most of the time.  In my free time I go to school because I always thought I should, I do random creative things to occupy my mind and my hands, I plan other people’s monumental life events for a thrill, and I’m generally overwhelmed–which is an emotion that I actually enjoy feeling.  Being overwhelmed makes me feel productive.

So, I’m not sure what I aspire to be anymore.

Lately my aspirations have been pretty limited–family, work, school.  As I close this chapter in my life (the higher education one) it has me wondering what I’ll allow myself to aspire to be or to do once this is over.  

I know that my aspiration to be “smart” according to my dad has caused me to offend and intimidate some really awesome people who didn’t deserve that sort of negativity. 

Here’s hoping I don’t get in the way of myself once this is all over.  And here’s hoping that whatever I may aspire to be, those aspirations don’t lead me to negative confrontation with undeserving people.

*The song, if you’re interested, is “American Honey” by Lady Antebellum.


3 Responses to “Aspirations.”

  1. LauraLou Says:

    Ok, I said this exact like to David a couple of weeks ago: “I feel like I’m not particularly good at any one thing (although mediocre at several) and finding a path for my life is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined it would take. ” Although I totally think you’re really good at SEVERAL things. It’s hard not knowing ‘what you want to be’ – I totally hear you! Here’s to both of us figuring it out and being happy with the result!

  2. LauraLou Says:

    Ugh, I meant this exact LINE. Whoops.

  3. Kari Says:

    Ha! I read it as “line” anyhow 🙂

    Cheers to us! We may not know what we’re going to do with the lives we’ve been given, but we’re still pretty awesome anyhow!!

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